We Lost Our Baby, but We Didn’t Want to Lose Our Marriage
February 12, 2018
Men and women tend to grieve differently; understanding those differences helped us make it through.
My husband and I tried to conceive for a year before seeking medical help. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and we began preliminary fertility treatments. During that time, I was in such a pit of despair. The wait brought out the very worst in me. I balked at the mention of God’s sovereignty and refused to open my mouth to sing of his goodness. Instead I countered, It is not well. He is not good. He will let me down.
In the midst of my hopelessness and anger, the Lord was gracious with me. Over time, my affections grew for him once again as he tore down the lies I was clinging to with the truth of his Word. I chose to believe that he is good, even when it seemed he was withholding good from me. Later, God performed a miracle in my heart, and then in my womb, when I became pregnant in May 2016 after my third round of fertility treatment.
During the majority of pregnancy my body did exactly what it was created to do. After a bleeding scare at 10 weeks was resolved, I hoped for an uneventful remainder of the pregnancy. But everything came to a screeching halt one evening while cooking dinner when my water broke at 21 weeks and 2 days. Two days later, we met our son, Xavier Lawrence, who lived ten short, sweet minutes.
When Grief Threatens a Marriage
For many couples who deal with infant loss, the early stages of grief are merely about surviving. Surging emotions pull mourning parents in and out like the tide. While trying to tread the waters of postpartum recovery and infant loss, I became gripped by another fear: losing my marriage. My husband was the one person I wanted—needed—to be with me deep in the trenches of grief. When it started to seem like he wasn’t fully there with me, …